The Page Has Been Turned.

I never, ever, ever thought I would be here. Writing about this topic.

Seperation. Divorce.

But here I am.

The thing is, this has been my reality for about a year. I’ve had time to digest what my new life looks and feels like, and heal my pain, plan for the future and discover who I am now.

I’ve learned that sharing this news with others has a huge impact.

I’ve lived it.

I’ve processed it for a long time.

I’ve watched the faces of family members and close friends as I told them. I’ve watched as jaws have dropped or tightened, tears have fallen, and hands have gripped the arms of chairs.

I’ve heard how many of those close to me have lost a lot of sleep over this news.

I’ve had therapy, lots and lots of therapy. I’ve healed.

This kind of change impacts those around me. Both in person and my online community.

In the beginning I took care of other people moving through this too. I consoled them. But I ultimately realized that I can’t keep giving my precious energy away so easily when my kids and I so badly need that scarce commodity.

So I took the time. The time we needed.

Now I can share.

I can share the pain.

I can share the beauty. Yes, a lot of this story is about the beauty that popped up in the most unexpected ways during this season of life.

I have felt emotional pain that was 1000 times worse than childbirth during this ending. I have watched the world around me burn and have questioned my own reality.

But I rose from the ashes. I fought through it and emerged stronger than ever.

Here’s thing… since making the decision, I am GOOD.

I am thriving.

I know, how is that even possible, right? But it’s the truth. I have consumed so many articles, and movies, and podcasts, and songs, and TV series about divorce and break-ups.

Although I have related to SO MANY elements of these stories, there were two things that stood out to me as very different than mine, and not often shared.

First, I am SURE about this new chapter. I am okay.

Second, it doesn’t have to go toxic. We wouldn’t allow it. Kindness, compassion and my four kids were kept in the forefront. Maybe Gwenyth was right with the whole “conscious uncoupling” thing. Who knew!

I am thankful that I took that year to privately move through that season of life with my family and close friends before sharing about it with my online community. My kids and I took the time to heal, find ourselves, grow and become more resilient than ever.

The page has been turned. My next chapter has begun. It is bright, and exciting, and full of life.

So, so many of you have reached out to me since I began sharing about this journey in the spring. I am planning on sharing more here and there about my personal growth through this experience, while keeping my family’s privacy. So, stay tuned and be sure to follow me on Instagram to stay updated.

Big Life Lessons I Learned From Doing Daily Videos

FamilyWell, it’s done, we did it, we’ve closed that chapter. I am talking about creating one video every day in the month of September.

There were days that I almost threw the towel in because I had to re-do an entire vlog when files were corrupt, or when the kids and I were sick. But that voice in my head was so strong, and my determination to see-through this challenge, (that was my idea), was so powerful, I just had to finish, and finish well.

This experience was life-changing. No, seriously, I am not just throwing around a term used too often. It literally changed my life.

Here are some lessons I learned while creating 30 personal videos in 30 days…

I am A LOT stronger than I thought. This lesson is something I had already learned once before, when I was pregnant with my twins. Deciding that I was going to take on such an enormous task that was mentally, physically and intellectually draining was one thing, but not giving up, or skipping a video, even when people who were cheering me on supported me to “take a break,” was the biggest test.

When I was pregnant with my twins, I never had the option to take my gigantic tummy off for a day to take a break. I was in it whether I liked it or not.

Doing daily videos for a month was my idea. No one was relying on me to produce them. There was no monetary pay-out at the end. It was just a personal goal that I took on and could have just as easily given up on.

I am not a 90% person. I had always been the person that would want something, but not even try because I would be scared that I wouldn’t be perfect at it, or complete it. But this time I started and ended something that was really, really hard, and that feels really good.

My marriage is pretty damn strong. It is no secret that in the past couple of years our marriage went to a very bad place, and with a lot of hard work from both of us, we have turned it around.

About a week, after starting filming, editing and uploading a video everyday, when the honeymoon phase was over, and Mike and I got into a fight.

Don’t get me wrong, he was my number one supporter, and partner in this project. I can’t even remember the details about why we were fighting, but we fought.

It was so bad that neither of us caved, and he decided to sleep on the couch downstairs that night. Ouch.

But the next morning we talked, worked it out and got passed it. From that point on we teamed up and I worked each evening as Mike picked up my slack around the house.

We found our joy in doing the videos again, and this test, in turn has made us an even stronger duo.

I found Nesting Story’s direction for the next chapter. Although I know for sure, (at least for right now), that three videos a week, instead of seven is a better fit for us, I have fallen in love with video all over again.

For a long time I was only telling our story through written word and photographs on the blog. But organically more and more has shifted to video. I love that we are able to share our story through video with the blog supporting it.

I have completely fallen in love with the YouTube community as well as the community of people I have reached on my other social media sites through video. I have created long-lasting friendships with other creators and have truly felt supported in this endeavour.

Thank you. All of you!

How precious time with my family is. Doing daily vlogs took me away from my family. We all survived, but it made me miss them in a way that I needed to experience.

For a long time I was living from nap time to nap time and conference to conference.  I had been so burnt out from having twins and being in the baby stage for so long that I was just going through the motions.

But working around the clock while watching the previous day unfold in front of me on my computer did something to my soul.

It made me want to participate in life with my husband and my kids again. It made me want to do things with them, like cook, venture out of the house, play and show more interest in what they were doing.

Because of this renewed love of family time, I have been actively taking some unnecessary irons out of the fire and creating time.

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In the end I always circle back to why I started sharing what started as my story, and became my family’s story… to connect. I was so lonely during my twin pregnancy and wanted to know that I wasn’t alone, and that maybe there was another mom out there like me.

I wanted to open up my experience of motherhood complete with triumphs and failures, but always problem solving along the way.

Whether I am sharing on video, the blog, or other websites like Baby Center, I will continue to be real, to inspire and to connect.

Here is the last of my September daily vlogs with something very special at the end…

Learning To Love Where We Are And Living Life Without Looking At Real Estate

toddler flyingChange is exciting. It is also somewhat addictive.

Ever since I was a child, I was always chasing after the next big thing. I always wanted something new, and I could barely enjoy a holiday, or a special outing because my mind was already focused on the next event.

Gradually I became well known in my family as someone who was always pestering, restless and thrived on excitement and drama.

As an adult this need for the next thing right now transformed into having to get married, get a puppy, build a house and have kids as fast as possible. My husband, Mike was always the voice of reason and made sure we always waited until we were ready.

But as the years have passed, I have watched Mike become restless too. We each were constantly perusing real estate online and in person, despite now living in our second home that is definitely large enough for us, with a great school nearby and being surrounded by fantastic neighbours. Sure it’s very suburban, and a bit cookie-cutter, but it’s home.

Then suddenly, while somewhat settled with our two kids, our house and our careers, the universe decided to throw us a couple of curveballs.

First it was finding out we were adding twins to our family, and the ripple effect that had on us, including my difficult pregnancy, preparation, having to stop working and then life with two more people.

Then another wave hit. My little blog, which at the time was an outlet, almost therapy for me, hit a viral nerve. Although exciting, this sudden catapult into success knocked the wind out of us for a few months.

mom and twins

These two life events was enough to shake me to the core and change my outlook. I now crave structure, routine, calmness and familiarity. Something that I had never wanted before.

I was barely finding my footing, and I could see that Mike’s restlessness about where we lived, and wanting to move further into the country wasn’t stopping. So we started to seriously look, and although it was at the very edge of our price-range, we decided to go for it.

kids in backyardHolden and Beau exploring the backyard of the first home we almost bought

Suddenly, at the eleventh hour, a massive, unexpected red-flag went up and we pulled the plug. Although devastated, confused and a little heartbroken, we dusted ourselves off and tried again.

This time we found a less expensive fixer-upper that we truly fell in love with. We diligently started the process once again, and suddenly, once again an unexpected bomb dropped which sent up another red flag.

backyard

The second home we almost bought

Devastated and deciding what to do, we sat on the floor of my office going back and forth, trying to make the best decision for our family. I was exhausted, stressed beyond belief and was finally the one to say “no.” So, we backed away once again.

After that second attempt I made it clear that I was done going through the emotional rollercoaster of looking elsewhere and wanted to stay put and make our current home more custom to our taste.

Financially we just couldn’t get what we wanted, or what would make it actually worth it to move. Plus the upheaval alone at this point with our kids ages and our careers, could bury us.

But our opinions drastically differed. In fact, in the nine years that Mike and I have been married, and the fifteen plus years we have been together, we have never disagreed on anything, even close to this magnitude.

I loved our home, and so badly wished that Mike could feel the same.

For a long time this disagreement created a massive divide in our relationship. I would try to talk it through with him and attempt to heal the wound. But Mike’s regret, frustration and even anger (partially towards the realtor that misguided us), was too great, and he finally let me know that it had to be an unspoken topic for a long time, for any kind of healing to take place.

So we lived. We healed what we could and slowly the divide closed, and the anger left Mike.

There are days that I will occasionally peek to see what is out there, but I quickly snap out of it and remind myself how much I love this house we are in, and with a little work each week, it is becoming what we want.

There will even be days that I see Mike emerge himself in a project and actually seem in love with our house too, but then the reminder will come back when I hear him talk to someone about how he likes our house, but would still love to move one day.

I too think that maybe one day we will move. But when I think about it, I am immediately filled with sadness. The thought of leaving this home, this neighbourhood and this school almost breaks my heart.

Recently, I heard someone talk about how so many of us live life going after the next thing. But what if the X that marks the spot is right under our feet?

Learning to happily co-exsist knowing that there is something that we do not agree on has probably been the biggest hurdle in our marriage. In a perfect world Mike and I would happily say “yes dear” to each other’s ideas and opinions and skip hand-in-hand into the sunset.

But let’s face it, that’s not reality and it is okay that we don’t agree. In fact, I am sure that there are many marriages that disagree on everything from religion to politics and somehow, someway they learn to happily co-exist.

So, for now we are going to continue getting our hands dirty and plant our garden, add shiplap to an accent wall, hang our family’s photos and allow our current home, that is constantly filled with laughter and love be our X that marks the spot.

Four kids

Don’t forget to follow Nesting Story on Facebook and Instagram!

Finding Inner Peace, Embracing The Mom Guilt And Simplifying My Future

Mom 2.0 Summit 2016

Blogging is an emotional job. My career is centered around me being vulnerable to the world on an regular basis. I measure the success of my career based on constant feedback from strangers on the internet and occasionally in person. Sometimes you know you are really hitting a nerve when you receive some controversial feedback. It’s part of the job.

I am an open book by nature, always willing to share. I have learned over time that I am a very strong person, and aside from the occasional comment that stings, I am able to let any negative energy that comes my way, bead off of me like droplets of rain.

I take in the positive energy and continue to pour it all out, in hopes that I can reach that mom that is struggling, and longing for a connection, so they feel a little less alone, and a little more normal.

Heading into my second Mom 2.0 Summit, I made the conscious decision to have a few small goals: make one perfectly fitting brand connection, meet a few of my heroes, and foster friendships while building others up. I completed my list. But the biggest goal was to walk in open. Open to feedback, open to learning and open to friendships, but especially, I would be open to being inspired and find my direction for the next phase of my career.

On day one I think I was so exhausted from travelling from Toronto to California that I was emotionally numb. I went through the motions and hopped into bed that evening ready to recharge and prepare myself to be inspired and take it all in.

That’s when it began. That morning sparked a theme that stood out to me for the next two days and ended in a (positive) emotional breakdown on the final day.

The first story that really impacted me was listening to Lauren Bayne, the founder of Offspring Advertising Agency interview Alli Webb, the founder of Drybar. The entire discussion was masterfully conducted by Lauren Bayne, including the surprise interview she had secretly recorded of Alli Webb’s boys discussing her success and how they view her. Yes, I was a blubbering mess.

Allí Webb - Drybar

But listening to Alli Webb describe her humble beginnings, how Drybar took off, and balancing a busy career and motherhood really impacted me. Her unapologetic success left me feeling so much more secure in the success that I have already experienced, and the path that lays ahead of me.

Later that day, I soaked up every word from a panel of powerhouse women comprised of Catherine Coleman, Christine Lu, Shannon Marby-Rotenburg, Yifat Oren and Jennifer PrinceGo ahead, click on those links, I dare you. Your mind may explode from how accomplished they are. Hint: one is an astronaut.

Inspiring women

Listening to these motivating women talk about how they both run their incredibly demanding, but rewarding careers while still being mothers, was so important for me to hear. Some days they find the balance and other days they want to cry. But it always takes a village, lists and support from their spouse, or close friends. They have messy closets that they can never find the time to clean, and they often struggle with re-entry when they arrive back home after work.

Each agrees that their career makes them feel happy and satisfied, and ultimately a happier mom. Everything they said resonated so much with me, and I walked away realizing I am doing a pretty damn good job of balancing my career and motherhood. Even if there are days that are a little rockier than others.

The truth is, the week leading up to leaving for California, I was struggling with a lot of guilt. I not only try to live a guilt-free motherhood, I preach it. I experienced so much mom-guilt when I had my first child and promised myself that I would let it go and be secure within my parenting experience.

But I was embarrassed, and frustrated with how much guilt I had been feeling. It finally dawned on me after listening to all of these other successful mothers. Maybe a bit of mom guilt isn’t such a bad thing.

I had lived in a state of survival for years. From the days that our son struggled with a language delay. To our second (surprise) baby, to the ultimate surprise… twins.

This constant scramble and barely keeping my head above water, left me at times, feeling robotic, always wanting to escape for a break. Yes I loved my children, and they have always been my world. But I was always craving me-time so badly, that whenever I was away from them, I was emotionless. I didn’t miss them.

Part of me was hiding this lack of emotion from everyone else. Was I a monster? No, I was a burnt out mother.

Now, having found our stride, being done having kids and finally moving out of survival mode has unlocked that part of my brain and my heart I was so carefully protecting.

So, this time when I went out the door, with my feelings of guilt fighting with my feelings of freedom, left me confused and uncertain.

It finally dawned on me that that feeling of guilt, was a good thing. I had re-emerged from the murky waters of survival mode, and could actually feel again. I was missing my children and longing for my husband while also enjoying the independence of travel and being with my tribe.

On the final day, many of the layers on the onion had been peeled back. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I was feeling many emotions, something that was fairly new to me.

I decided to walk into a panel about work/life balance, thinking it would be the perfect fit. This panel was moderated by Jessica Shyba and it included Ryan Hamilton, Christina Brown, Danielle Walker and Roo Ciambriello. Again, click links = mind blown.

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Then each, again described their triumphs and failures while trying to create some kind of balance in their parenting/career journey, all with incredible stories to tell.

But then they said a few things that hit home so hard, it was like a hot spear had been shot into my chest. “Look at everything you are working on. If there is something there that is not making you feel happy, then it’s not the right fit.” Also, “learn how to say no,” and “no,” can be a complete sentence. “Don’t apologize and never use the word just.”

Well, let me start by saying that the apologetic Canadian that I am really needed to hear that.

As the panel concluded, and they opened the room up for questions, I immediately shot my hand up. They asked me to head up to the front and hold the mic. Oh shit. Here we go.

I could feel my cheeks getting hot and my voice shake. Damn these new emotions.

I started by adding what I have learned the hard way. When success started to put my husband and I on separate pages, we started dating again. Going on a date every week has been huge for us and has created a safe-guard for our marriage.

Then, I launched into some more difficult areas of the business that I have sometimes found hard to navigate. Each of them were so kind and quick to give me practical advice that I really needed to hear.

I was told later, by one of that panelists, that I almost had all of them crying.

After this session finished, the tears came. By the time I got back to my room and watched the video my husband had sent me of my son getting his yellow belt in tae-kwon-do, I was sobbing. I felt like Jerry Seinfeld; “What is this salty discharge? Oh my God, I care.”

I finally regrouped, but it took so long that I missed the red carpet for the Iris awards, so this quick selfie in the elevator will have to do.

Mom 2.0 Iris awards bcbg

I left California changed. Okay with my parenting and career decisions, embracing my mom guilt and having a clear focus for my blogging future.

Sometimes you can be so in it, so in your bubble that you loose all perspective and become numb. It is so important to step away for a bit and soul search. Let your guard down and be ready to be inspired, motivated, encouraged and pushed… even if it causes you to shed a few tears.

Don’t forget to follow Nesting Story on Facebook so that you don’t miss a thing!

What A Difference A Year Makes. My Final Thoughts Before Heading To Mom 2.0

IMG_3908I had planned on writing a post talking about how excited I am to head to Laguna Niguel, California tomorrow for Mom 2.0, (which I am), and how I will be pressing the reset button, (which I will be doing). But all I can think about leading up to this year’s big blogging conference is my marriage.

Wait, what?

Yes. One year ago my head was still spinning from my recent success with Nesting Story. I was also killing the whole mom with four kids, including twins thing, and by killing it, I mean surviving, because… twins.

But my marriage was… let’s just say, in an odd place.

Mike and I were not just on separate pages, we were in separate books. Yes, he was also killing the dad gig, and yes he was very supportive of my blogging dreams. But we were bickering and fighting more than we realized, and it took our then, six-year-old son to point it out.

We could have gone in so many directions this past year. To be honest, I pictured what life would be like apart. The answer was, pretty terrible.

This is my soulmate, my best friend, my person.

By the summer, we got very real with each other. We began communicating a lot more and each admitting to factors that could be negatively impacting our happiness.

Then came the biggest change. We did something about it.

So often, as busy, working parents, we can talk and talk in circles. But not really do anything about it. We took action.

Starting date night has been a huge part of our change. For us, a weekly date is the perfect amount of reconnecting time. The weeks that we have missed our date night due to schedule conflicts, or sick kids, we feel it. The wall starts to build between us.

Read: Why I am dating my husband again

We have also made some health and weight loss changes together, we each are pursuing more interests, both together and separately. We are also communicating in a kinder way.

So why am I thinking about my marriage the eve of Mom 2.0? A few days ago, when I was under the weather, I walked into our kitchen and there was a gift sitting on the counter.

“What is this?” I asked. “Open it up.” Mike replied. The big kids watched, bursting with excitement.

In it, was a pair of gorgeous rose-shaped, diamond earrings set in rose gold. I was shocked.

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“What???? Why????” I asked totally surprised.

“These are for your conference.” Mike told me. “You need something nice to wear. I am so proud of you and I have been wanting to get you something special for a while.”

I later learned that he had gone out multiple times with the kids looking for just the right gift the week before.

This ridiculously beautiful and extravagant gift was coming from the guy I was about to ditch with four kids for four days.

I should also mention that he gave this gift to me on one of our weeks that we had to miss date night and we were a little bit testy with each other.

But this gesture to me is huge. The support he gives and the thought he put into it is incredible.

I am so thankful that a year ago, we chose to fight for our marriage. To take action, not only with each other, but also ourselves.

It is pretty amazing what a difference one year can make.


For the next four days, while attending Mom 2.0 Summit,  I will be learning from inspiring moms and listening to their stories. The scenery is going to be pretty gorgeous too! You can follow my journey on Snapchat, user name: Nesting Story. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I will also be sharing moments of my little getaway!