parenting

Can You Breathe? Making The Final Decision to End My Marriage.

I found this photo as I scrolled through the photos taken around the time that this happened.

When can I breathe? If I stayed in my marriage, or if I ended my marriage?

That was the final question I asked myself before ending it.

I have been asked a lot by people I know in person and people who have reached out online, how did I finally decide? They were on the fence and didn’t know what to do.

Asking myself that question was how.

Ending a marriage, especially with kids is a monumental decision that will have an atomic sized impact on many people in your life. Years later we are sometimes feeling the effects of the blast as if it just happened. So, I want to be clear, I do not talk about this decision lightly.

Looking back it was a slow burn over years. Years of stress, and emotional disconnection and distrust. It took two, and to be honest, we were pummelled by stressful life events to the point where it was getting harder and harder to get up again.

But at the end it was like I was hit by a freight train.

I tried. We tried.

Intense therapy, and attempts at reconnection. We could have gone on like that walking on the tight rope of should we or shouldn’t we for many many years. I think a lot of couples do.

But after realizing that staying wasn’t actually best for my kids because they needed out of the pressure cooker too and to have two happy parents, it was this that question I asked myself that made me step off the tight rope.

The idea of staying felt like I couldn’t breathe. Although terrifying, ending a relationship that was destroying both of us meant I could fill my lungs with air again.

Little did I know that almost immediately after deciding I would also be able to see life in colours I never saw before.

The decision was made. The page had been turned and the pressure that was on my chest for years was gone.

Note: My intention of sharing bits and pieces about this sensitive topic is to help share some of my own tough experiences in the hope that I could help someone else going through something similar. I am very sensitive to make sure I keep my kids and other parties in mind as I share because our family’s goal is to move towards healing and happiness. Although I would so badly like to give individual advice as I receive messages from others going through something similar, I found that when I was doing that I was not able to heal properly. xo

I Am Burnt Out… With Parenting

I am burnt out.

I’ve hit a wall.

The day in and day out of sameness with parenting without in-person school, kids’ activities or camp is becoming almost impossible.

There. I said it.

I love my kids. Why do us moms feel like we need to say that as a disclaimer when we need to be real for a minute that it is not always laughter and happiness? It goes without saying.

Of course I love my kids.

In fact, as dark as it sounds and probably a bit messed up, anytime my kids question my love, usually when I asked them to go get their own snack or have said no to an unreasonable request, I say “come on, I love you hit by a bus level.” They know that means without a second thought I’d push them out of the way from a bus and take the hit for them. That’s a mother’s love. Effed up or not.

With the disclaimer out of the way now… I am burnt out in the parenting department. Like, I don’t feel like talking to my children right now.

I live in Ontario Canada and we are heading into our last week of virtual school next week… and then home free. You bet your ass I have signed my kids up for camp (which is allowed now). In fact, I just added another week for the first week of summer. So in my mind means I only have a week and a half left in pandemic isolation hell.

Sorry if I am being super blunt here, but it has to be said and I bet I am not the only one feeling like this. I am not burnt out with working out, or unpacking our new house, or working, or gardening, or talking to adults.

It’s the making meals and snacks, cleaning up the kitchen, breaking up fights, finding something to do, arguing about getting schoolwork done, asking for messes to be cleaned up. It’s the daily arguements about getting dressed, brushing teeth, brushing hair and showering even though there’s nowhere to go.

There’s nowhere to go.

But above all… its the constant talking.

Which sounds bad saying it out loud. But as an introvert I need quiet time to recharge. Which I don’t get.

Cue perfect timing; I kid you not, as I wrote the last sentence one of my kids was talking to me and I was staring right as them as I was typing with one airpod in (because music takes the edge off) and then she said, “mom, did you hear what I said?” Honestly, I didn’t retain a thing. My brain is at full capacity.

The other night three out of four of my kids confronted me pretty much telling me that I have been emotionally unavailable to them. It was like a punch in the gut.

It brought me to tears.

The next day I shared this with another solo parent and I got the pep talk I needed. It’s a pandemic, I am doing more now for them than humanly possible, and they need to recognize that and I need to know that in a couple weeks when the pressure valve is finally released that they will get a whole version of me again.

For now, scraps of me is going to have to be enough.

So, parents… if you are burnt out in the parenting department too, and you are robotically replying with blanks stares and “that’s nice” you are absolutely not alone.

Scraps are more than enough after the storm we have sailed our families through this past year. We made it to the other side and never sank.

That’s a win.

Take the win.

Hang In There Mamas… Christmas Is Almost Here

We are so close to Christmas mamas! 

Just a little reminder… if your kids are all hyped up and having extra meltdowns and are fighting with each other more than usual, that’s totally normal leading up to Christmas (and Halloween and birthdays).

It took me a few years of parenting to see this pattern, but once I did and realized most kids get like this leading up to an exciting holiday or event I totally relaxed.. and popped in my AirPods and poured myself a glass of wine. 

We’ve got this, hang in there! 

Are you doing anything for you?

Over the holidays you are going to be giving a lot of yourself! You don’t have to burn out. Remember to carve out time for you, and in turn everyone around you will get a better version of you!

Have you been following along on my CrossFit journey on Instagram? I have been sharing my new life-changing fitness journey and how much it has impacted all aspects of my life.

I encourage you to make time to do something for yourself in 2020, because you will never just find time.

You deserve it!

You can follow my journey on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Pinterest!

Setting Expectations for Your Kids

Setting reasonable expectations for my kids and navigating this new parent “epiphany” is something that I will have to practice every day. But it is so worth it.

Do we have reasonable expectations for our kids?

As a parent to young children, doing things together like sitting in a restaurant can be nerve-wracking and unpredictable. If you are anything like me, you stick to the old faithfuls, the loud and slightly overcrowded ones (so that your kids add to the noise, rather than having them ‘be’ the noise).

People-watching is commonplace for me there. I look around at the families, unconsciously examining their table manners, complimenting their kids and feeling guilt-filled relief when someone is having a harder time than me. Let’s be clear about one thing here – the judgments I’m making in these moments, are of myself and the expectations I’ve set for my kids.

Do we have reasonable expectations?

We’ve all seen the families with the “perfect” kids, where no one ends up under the table, they’re eating with their fork and saving half of their chocolate milk for after they eat.

If that is you and your kids, kudos. But that’s not me and mine. And for the longest time, it left me with thoughts like, “why can’t you do that?”

“Why won’t you listen the first time?”

“When I was your age, I had 10 times the responsibility that you do.”

“Can you stop that?”

These sound worse when you lump them together. I don’t say them one after another like this, and most often they remain thoughts in my head. But I am guilty of pulling one out in a moment of frustration.

Reasonable wouldn’t be the way I would describe these. These remarks break onto the surface when I am in an entirely UNreasonable state of mind.

In setting expectations, keep this in mind. You know your child. But, do you know where they are at and what they can do?

So, what’s reasonable? After welcoming twins, our family count went from the “perfect” family of four to a slightly-oversized family of six and I realized something (so simple) that changed my approach to parenting –

Our children are truly one-of-a-kind.

Maybe that’s something you’ve heard before. But now, for me, this ideal has been highlighted over and over again. I hadn’t anticipated that I would need to parent each of my children a little differently.

In setting expectations, keep this in mind. You know your child. But, do you know where they are at and what they can do? Figure out how to meet them where they are, and create an achievable “next step” for them to strive towards.

Setting reasonable expectations for my kids and navigating this new parent "epiphany" is something that I will have to practice every day. But it is so worth it.

Our kids ultimately want to make us proud and the pressure they feel to succeed is real. Know any adults that reflect on their childhood with, “nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents”? If our expectations are met with feelings of frustration or anxiety- on our part or theirs, consider adjusting the expectation next time, even if only slightly.

We can’t change overnight.

Be patient with yourself. Recently, I kept noticing my son and I continually butting-heads. It wasn’t until we were visiting some friends, that they noticed, “wow, where did the sarcastic humour come from?” I had no idea. All this time, he had been trying to make me laugh and I had been missing it, correcting his behaviour – no wonder we weren’t getting along.

Setting reasonable expectations for my kids and navigating this new parent “epiphany” is something that I will have to practice every day. But it is so worth it. Becoming more than “maintaining our image” in a restaurant, we are teaching our kids how to set realistic goals for themselves, start to understand their capacity and ultimately learn to help themselves find success, however that may look to them.

No pressure.

Lindsay Fricker is a mom of four – two plus twins. Kindergarten teacher by day, Lindsay enjoys helping others find ways to navigate the ugly parts of parenting, while keeping their sanity and positively supporting their children. You can read more from Lindsay here or follow her on Instagram @serendipity.six.

Twins in Kindergarten – Same Class or Different Classes?

I never expected to be a mother to twins. Twin boys even less so. Yes, they run in my family. But after two singleton pregnancies, it had fallen off of my radar.

Finding out we were expecting twins after two singleton pregnancies

Twins seemed to amplify everything – pregnancy became high risk, followed by a scary hospital stay and preterm delivery. Caring for premature twins – the first year we were followed so closely by a medical team, everything was much more medicalized and full of questions and protocol. It wasn’t until their 4th birthday, when we were officially discharged, that we started to feel like we “got through it”, the hardest part was over.

Except that it isn’t really over. Old challenges appear to be continually replaced by new ones. And one of those new ones came in the form of Kindergarten Registration.

kindergarten registration decision for twins, same class or different class?

Like most parents, I had done my research. I spent time researching area-schools, even reaching out and asking questions. At the end of it all, they had one question for me – “same class or different classes?” that left me thinking.

If you happen to be trying to make a similar decision, here are 4 things that dictated our decision-making…

1. Independent or Dependent?

That unique connection shared by twins can create an extra level of support in the classroom enviable by most. But, if this sibling support prevents our kids from being able to navigate their day at school independently or prevents our kids from establishing peer relationships with children other than their sibling, we may want to rethink it.

2. Sibling Rivalry

In this age of parenting we are slowly reintroducing the idea of “friendly competition”. We know that our kids have their own unique set of strengths – but it’s oh so easy to keep comparing our twins. Even more, how do we navigate this as they begin to notice disparities between themselves? Do they raise each other up or fight for the top? If one twin seems to always be struggling to keep up with the other, it may be worth looking into separating them.

3. For Your Convenience

Think about your family dynamic for a second. It’s not hard to find families with two working parents, siblings to think about, meals to plan and extracurriculars to attend. Making ourselves available to have the relationship with our kids school that we want to have – sometimes the convenience of having one teacher, with one newsletter and one set of field trip dates to keep track of, is enough of a win to keep your twins together.

4. Extraneous Circumstances

Sometimes it’s not about what is happening inside the classroom at all. If they are going through any kind of transition – like moving to a new home, navigating divorce, experiencing grief/loss – then it may be worth thinking about whether or not having them undergo the stress of being separated as a necessary one.

We’ve ultimately decided to keep our twins together for their kindergarten year. But this decision, but that’s just what will work best for our family this year. We’ve transitioned to a new city, and as our boys attended the same preschool class, it was clear that their interests couldn’t be more different, resulting in different peer groups for the two.

Still not sure? The way our kids act at home isn’t necessarily how they are going to act at school. Do they attend daycare or preschool? Speak to someone who has supervised them in an unparented capacity, they will have some good insights into how they will behave in a classroom setting.

Keep an open mind and speak up, having open and ongoing communication with your school and kindergarten classroom teacher will ultimately be the best approach. Know that your decision doesn’t have to be the ultimate one. Decisions CAN change and so will your kids – what works this year may not work for next year.

A pro/con list will always be my favourite pathway towards a decision. Sit down with your thoughts and maybe take a deep breath or two, as the next challenge waits for us just around the corner.

Twin boys on their first day of kindergarten

Lindsay Fricker is a mom of four – two plus twins. Kindergarten teacher by day, Lindsay enjoys helping others find ways to navigate the ugly parts of parenting, while keeping their sanity and positively supporting their children. You can read more from Lindsay here or follow her on Instagram @serendipity.six.