When can I breathe? If I stayed in my marriage, or if I ended my marriage?
That was the final question I asked myself before ending it.
I have been asked a lot by people I know in person and people who have reached out online, how did I finally decide? They were on the fence and didn’t know what to do.
Asking myself that question was how.
Ending a marriage, especially with kids is a monumental decision that will have an atomic sized impact on many people in your life. Years later we are sometimes feeling the effects of the blast as if it just happened. So, I want to be clear, I do not talk about this decision lightly.
Looking back it was a slow burn over years. Years of stress, and emotional disconnection and distrust. It took two, and to be honest, we were pummelled by stressful life events to the point where it was getting harder and harder to get up again.
But at the end it was like I was hit by a freight train.
I tried. We tried.
Intense therapy, and attempts at reconnection. We could have gone on like that walking on the tight rope of should we or shouldn’t we for many many years. I think a lot of couples do.
But after realizing that staying wasn’t actually best for my kids because they needed out of the pressure cooker too and to have two happy parents, it was this that question I asked myself that made me step off the tight rope.
The idea of staying felt like I couldn’t breathe. Although terrifying, ending a relationship that was destroying both of us meant I could fill my lungs with air again.
Little did I know that almost immediately after deciding I would also be able to see life in colours I never saw before.
The decision was made. The page had been turned and the pressure that was on my chest for years was gone.
Note: My intention of sharing bits and pieces about this sensitive topic is to help share some of my own tough experiences in the hope that I could help someone else going through something similar. I am very sensitive to make sure I keep my kids and other parties in mind as I share because our family’s goal is to move towards healing and happiness. Although I would so badly like to give individual advice as I receive messages from others going through something similar, I found that when I was doing that I was not able to heal properly. xo