Can You Breathe? Making The Final Decision to End My Marriage.

I found this photo as I scrolled through the photos taken around the time that this happened.

When can I breathe? If I stayed in my marriage, or if I ended my marriage?

That was the final question I asked myself before ending it.

I have been asked a lot by people I know in person and people who have reached out online, how did I finally decide? They were on the fence and didn’t know what to do.

Asking myself that question was how.

Ending a marriage, especially with kids is a monumental decision that will have an atomic sized impact on many people in your life. Years later we are sometimes feeling the effects of the blast as if it just happened. So, I want to be clear, I do not talk about this decision lightly.

Looking back it was a slow burn over years. Years of stress, and emotional disconnection and distrust. It took two, and to be honest, we were pummelled by stressful life events to the point where it was getting harder and harder to get up again.

But at the end it was like I was hit by a freight train.

I tried. We tried.

Intense therapy, and attempts at reconnection. We could have gone on like that walking on the tight rope of should we or shouldn’t we for many many years. I think a lot of couples do.

But after realizing that staying wasn’t actually best for my kids because they needed out of the pressure cooker too and to have two happy parents, it was this that question I asked myself that made me step off the tight rope.

The idea of staying felt like I couldn’t breathe. Although terrifying, ending a relationship that was destroying both of us meant I could fill my lungs with air again.

Little did I know that almost immediately after deciding I would also be able to see life in colours I never saw before.

The decision was made. The page had been turned and the pressure that was on my chest for years was gone.

Note: My intention of sharing bits and pieces about this sensitive topic is to help share some of my own tough experiences in the hope that I could help someone else going through something similar. I am very sensitive to make sure I keep my kids and other parties in mind as I share because our family’s goal is to move towards healing and happiness. Although I would so badly like to give individual advice as I receive messages from others going through something similar, I found that when I was doing that I was not able to heal properly. xo

It’s Day 22 Of Quarantine And My Mind Is On A Coping-Loop

Day 22 quarantine
Day 22 quarantine

Captains log… I joke, but not really.

This is a dream right? I ask myself this many, many times a day.

Last night I had a nightmare, then I woke up and remembered the global pandemic and thought, that has to be another nightmare. But reality eventually floated to the surface… no, this is real.

My mind is on a coping loop. Something triggers the heaviness, the gravity of what is going on in the world, in my town, or maybe it’s something small that has triggered me, maybe I’ve caught a glance of one of my big kids trying to cope themselves, and I spiral.

Just before I allow myself to fall, fall off the cliff into the dark hole below, I catch myself.

I begin listing off what I am grateful for: my house, my backyard, my four kids, the freedom to go for walks, still having a job, my health.

Then I list off what is in my control: what activities I will do with my kids, what I am going to wear that day, who I can talk to through video chat, what media I will consume, something nice I can do for myself.

I pop a piece of gum in my mouth. I chew through the wave of anxiety. It fades into the background.

I’m back on solid ground again. The spiral has stopped. I move through my day.

Connect. Hugs. I love you’s. Smiles.

We get dressed. We brush our teeth. We go nowhere.

But it feels good to feel ready. Ready for the day.

I exercise. Exercise is everything. I’ve never exercised so much in my life.

I garden. Gardening is coming up for air. I keep thinking about the many, many people who can’t even step foot outside.

I run through my gratitude list again.

My mind floats to everyone I can help. I ask my parents and quarantined neighbours to send me their latest grocery list. I reach out through Instagram… anyone need to chat? I reach out to people who are alone.

Helping helps.

I ask myself, what can I do tomorrow? Donate blood? Volunteer for my local food bank?

I want to do something.

I can’t get into podcasts or audio books. I can’t even get into Netflix series… not even Tiger King. It leaves my mind too idle. I can’t follow.

Music and books. That’s my escape. Real books. The kind I have to put my glasses on for, sit down and read.

I jump back and forth between music and my book a lot of the day.

Laughter. Funny enough I am laughing a lot. The memes are a much needed bright spot in my days. I’ve always laughed in moments of grief. It’s hard-wired into me. Inappropriate laughter a bizarre little trait, but I embrace it. I love that I laugh in the darkest moments.

I remember some of what I have been told or heard…

It’s okay to feel anxiety. It’s okay to feel depression. Everyone is.

Drop perfection.

Don’t try to grow your business or your savings. Your health is your wealth right now.

Survive this.

This isn’t forever.

I don’t know who I wrote this for. Was it for me or for you? A little of both. But it felt good.

Find me on Instagram. Instastories are my lifeline. I’ll see you there.

Parenting and The Comparison Game

More often than not, this parenting comparison game sends us into research, with Google becoming our favourite friend, determined to find the way to do it all “right”.

Raising Kids the easy way, forget the comparison game - Lindsay Fricker for Nesting Story

You’ve stopped attending those Mommy and Me groups. You made fast friends with the other mama’s and loved an excuse to get out of the house, but you couldn’t help noticing the other babies. They were all moving through their milestones quickly, some even skipping milestones altogether. Was your baby behind? They aren’t alike at all. You began to worry and decided it would be easier to avoid these meetings. You don’t want to play the parenting comparison game.

Maybe your baby was the one hitting all the milestones – and it wasn’t until your second child came along that you noticed things were different…why weren’t they progressing like their older brother? The anxiety builds. 

You attend your scheduled doctor’s appointment, only to see your baby’s measurements slide off of the carefully plotted curve. You take it on as if it is your fault – you can’t produce enough milk. Why can’t your body do what it’s supposed to? (Side note – this is NOT your fault).

Then there is the guilt you may find in the safety of your own extended family. Everyone has an opinion on how your child should be raised – “Co sleeping is a bad idea. They will never be able to sleep on their own.” 

You somehow make it through the infant year, but are struggling your way through toddler-dom, you have “that child” in the preschool play. Or, you find yourself into the school-age years before their struggles in math class have you worried they won’t be able to be “whatever they want” when they grow up. 

Looking for Answers

These feelings of worry, guilt and anxiety exist for most parents – in one way or another. When it strikes – we can easily panic. More often than not, this parenting comparison game sends us into research, with Google becoming our favourite friend, determined to find the way to do it all “right”. 

But this is what the “right” way to parent looks like –

Hopefully, this makes it clear. If you’re looking for an easy guide to parenting, there isn’t just one to choose from. Parenting is HARD. There isn’t a one-sized-fits-all answer to any of our questions. There can be answers if we put in the work, holding fast to a series of trials and errors. 

We are the Experts of Our Children.

It is so important that we take action against these feelings of anxiety and worry. They can prevent us from seeing our children clearly. They can rob us of the precious time we have with them, or even keep us from providing our children with what they need, when they need it. 

Our first step in being the expert of our children, is going to be in taking care of ourselves. We’ve all heard the adage, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. 

As soon as we begin to harness these feelings of worry and guilt, we will be able to see the comparisons for what they are – comparisons. There is no “better”, only different. Being an early walker does not necessarily mean you will be winning gold medals in the Olympics for track and field, and being a late talker does not discount you from winning awards for Public Speaking. 

In tracking milestones and making comparisons, keep your focus clear. What is the purpose? If it’s to feel some sort of satisfaction or sense of hierarchy, you are doing it wrong. Parents, stop playing the comparison game. 

As every child is unique, so is every family. When it comes to raising our children, only we know what will work best for ours. By being able to take the concerns of our doctors, along with those of our extended families, and make healthy comparisons between our kids and others their age, we will ultimately be able to understand what our child’s needs are. 

Even more, as we keep reading these articles handing out advice on child development, we will be able to pick and choose the strategies that will ultimately work for us – ensuring our ability to help our children to grow and learn where their strengths and interests lie, which is ultimately all we could ever ask for.

Lindsay Fricker is a mom of four – two plus twins. Kindergarten teacher by day, Lindsay enjoys helping others find ways to navigate the ugly parts of parenting, while keeping their sanity and positively supporting their children. You can read more from Lindsay here or follow her on Instagram @serendipity.six.

Today I felt joy and wondered when life got so serious

Today I skied. This was a big freaking deal for me because although I was an avid skier since age five, I gave up skiing when I was pregnant with my oldest child and never picked it up again. This was a ten year break from something that I loved.

As I whooshed down the hill solo, assessing my body to make sure I wasn’t about to break a hip, (I was ten years older and had birthed four children since my last ski experience), it hit me…

All of the stress that I had been feeling, especially from the previous week was gone. In fact I felt good. I felt alive. I felt ache and pain free.

As the cold air hit my cheeks I felt as though my troubles were an eternity away.

skiing

You see, although I share most of my life on here, or on my videos, there are some areas of my life that are sacred. Especially the lives of my children. Although I may share this particularly stressful situation with you one day, at the moment it isn’t my story to tell. But for context, I must say, I have been under extreme stress during the past week.

For the first time in one week, or 168 hours, my stress was one hundred percent gone. I felt free, like someone had cut this cord I was tethered to.

“Why,” I thought to myself as I carved through the snow, “can I not let go of this stress away from a ski hill. Why can’t I take a break from worry in real life?”

As I went up the chairlift, looking down at a winding creek below, it hit me, I had been carrying around intense stress and worry, thinking that if I took a break for even a minute the world would come crashing down, shattering around me.

That somehow because I was deep in the trenches of anxiety and dread I was fixing my problem. If I put down the worry for one minute, everything would fall apart.

But here I was, zipping down a ski hill, like I was 25 again, not a worry in sight, and the world was still in tact. It was still turning.

I haven’t been doing anyone any good allowing myself to be so immersed  in my stress that I am in physical pain, can barely tidy up, or prepare a meal at home. I am sabotaging my healthy eating, and I am an emotional wreck.

This particular stressful period of parenthood won’t be my last. In fact far from it. I have four kids who haven’t even hit their teenage years. So I need to figure out a better system.

First step, loose the guilt about taking breaks from problem solving and worrying. Allow myself to feel joy during each storm.

Remind myself that letting go doesn’t mean I care any less.

Letting go of the worry is allowing my head to go above water for a breath of air before the next wave.