parenting Archives - Page 6 of 9

Maybe This Is The Easy Part

Sometimes as parents we are so focused on the future, that we can’t wait to get out of this stage, or age with our kids. So much so, that we don’t see the good parts going on right now.

Recently, my older brother and my three-year-old nephew visited us from out of province. My nephew has not been the easiest child. He is this unique hybrid, of brilliant and heart melting, yet full of intense energy and like most three year olds, he is run by his emotions. I could see in my brother’s face, that parenthood was taking it’s toll, and not at all what he had pictured.

I am the more seasoned parent between us, having four kids under my belt, while he has two.

Like I had always done in the past, I started to launch into my long list of complaints and hardships that I was going through with my kids. I used to do this so that he knew that he is not alone and that we all go through it with our kids.

Suddenly, I stopped babbling, realizing I was talking about issues that we were problem solving months ago.

Did I even have a crisis going on right now? Oh yeah, my five-year-old daughter won’t stop talking in third person. It can drive me up the wall, and I am pretty sure she know it pushes my buttons, but really? I was reaching.

After years of language delays and childhood anxiety with my older kids, then the chaos of having twins, we were actually… dare I say it… going through an easy phase.

I, like most parents, am so caught up in my to-do lists and so focused on what isn’t going right, that I often miss what is.

My husband and I will often fantasize about the day that we can all go to a restaurant without a sippy cup being whipped across the table, or being able to get projects done around our home, while all four of our kids play happily, without requiring supervision.

But maybe this too, right now, is the easy part?

So what if most of our cupboards and closets in our home are a disaster, or that my car needs a tune up, or that some days my kids forget to brush their teeth, and I am too exhausted to get on their case about it.

Ya, we’ve got kids in diapers, and it is nearly impossible to go out with all four kids without someone having an epic meltdown. But the older our kids get will also bring its own set of challenges.

In this moment everyone is happy. Everyone is healthy. We have some semblance of a routine going on.

Sure, fights between kids break out, and our twins are approaching the terrible-twos, complete with hitting and biting. But we deal with it in the moment and move on.

Chances are, next week a cold or flu will hit our home and my husband and I will be launched back into that pressure cooker situation we know all too well, when we are cleaning up vomit, or consoling a screaming child during the night. It has been a couple of weeks after all, which means we are due.

As I look around my home, with clutter piling up on our counter, countless things that need repair and dishes sitting in my sink, I think to myself, the to-do list will always be there. It will never be finished. My kids will always find a way to drive me crazy and push my buttons.

This is the easy part. It’s the moments in between illness. It’s the moments between those problems I can’t solve on my own. It’s the moments between those inevitable stressful times, every parent goes through, that tests your marriage, your patience and your strength.

The easy part isn’t perfect, tear free, or sterile. It’s laughter, it’s learning, it’s cuddles, it’s teaching moments, it’s the small triumphs.

It’s parenthood.

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Why Juggling Being a SAHM And A WAHM Was Destroying My Love For Motherhood And Sabotaging My Business

This morning my six-year-old son, Holden, was crawling around our kitchen, pretending to be a spy, in hopes that he could scare his father. This was going on as my five-year-old daughter, Beau, was trying to assert her independence (as she should) by carrying her full glass of orange juice from our kitchen island to the table, as I busied myself bringing our twin toddlers their breakfast.

Suddenly my son heard footsteps, as my husband approached the kitchen. Holden stood up and ran while looking back behind his shoulder, running right into Beau. Orange juice went everywhere and Beau was dripping head to toe.

I screamed “Holddddeeeeen!!!” Then two things followed that shouldn’t have.

First, both Holden and Beau started to panic, saying “sorry, sorry, sorry!” While they each had a look of sheer terror in their eyes. The next was something broke inside of me. I didn’t loose it, like my kids thought I would, and were far too used to. I didn’t cry either.

Remember when the “islands of personality” start to crumble in Pixar’s Inside Out? I felt like a part of me inside crumbled, and I thought to myself, “I can’t do this! I hate motherhood!”

For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling with increasing anxiety. A heaviness on my chest that I have not been able to shake. It may have started with a snarky comment I received from a mom on my You Tube channel…

I’m confused! :-/
You are a blogger, but do you get paid for that?
Your oldest goes to school, then Beau goes to daycare, and you most days have a nanny for the twins?
In this vlog, it’s spring break, so all of the kids go to a full day of daycare, while you go shopping, get ready, and have lunch with friends?
Do you ever just spend a day with your kids, playing, and hanging out!?
I’m a mom to 5 kids beautiful children(18,16,13,12, and 7)
and when they were younger, I was a single mother, who also started a blogging website and worked a full time job.Weekends were spent with my kids and I didn’t blog at all! Since I worked 60 hours a week, I didn’t get a lot of quality time with my kids, so the weekends were all about them!!!
I just don’t get why, if you’re a SAHM, why your children have a nanny and or go to daycare all of the time!? I understand we only see 10-20 minutes of your life, but it seems as though, you get rid of your kids as often as possible!

I rarely feel like I have to explain myself, or respond to mean comments. But this one shook me to the core. This mom had seen tiny snippets of my life in my “day in the life” videos I occasionally make. She didn’t have the whole story. Here was my response…

Hi there. Yes, I do get paid. I worked for a long time unpaid and now I am creating content for three websites. At this point it is a full-time paid job which has added a second income. For a long time I worked while my kids napped, or in the evenings and the other two were in school. In the summer (video 1 you are referring to) we had a part-time nanny for a couple of months, which didn’t work out. I worked for 3 months without childcare and now have our twins in daycare 9 AM – 12 PM each weekday, with occasional full days (depending on deadlines).
I most definitely spend a lot of each day and all day every weekend with my kids.
I rarely use my “work time” to go out with friends or run errands, but when I choose which day to film a day in the life, I will often pick a day with a lot of variety so that the video isn’t just me typing at my desk.
I did the SAHM thing when my first was born, for three years, and it wasn’t for me. It sent me into a depression. It truly is the hardest job, and I knew that I needed to find a balance that not only suited me, but my family too.
So, although I am at home all day, I am not a SAHM shipping my kids off. I am a hard working WAHM.

But this comment, my recent work-load and tomorrow’s launch of my new website and rebranding, has really had me thinking lately. What am I doing? I am now lucky enough to say that I, as a blogger, am bringing in enough paid work each month to work full-time. Yet, why am I paying for childcare and still trying to do so much of the SAHM thing during the day, while working my ass off again at my computer most nights?

I am a people pleaser. Or maybe I can finally start saying, I am a former people pleaser. This is something that I have struggled with since childhood. Initially I was pegged as the peace-keeper, but as I grew, my wise mother started pointing out that I was people pleasing too much, and needed to stand up for myself more.

I have come a long way, but even now as a grown adult, I am finding myself people pleasing once again, especially while trying to carve out my path as a full-time working mom, who happens to have her office based out of her home. I am constantly allowing myself to get distracted with lengthly personal phone calls from family, and occasionally be persuaded to meet friends during work hours.

Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon cleaning out my car. The sun was shining, I saw the opportunity and I grabbed it. Last week I went grocery shopping twice, worked out and showered daily, and went shopping for my kids, all during work hours. I am pretty sure if I had a 9am – 5pm office job with a boss, I’d be fired by now.

But when my kids get home from school and daycare, I am stressed beyond belief and a short-tempered ogre, watching the clock, wondering how early is too early to get my kids to bed so I can get back to work?

What the hell am I doing?

After spending days being too distracted to enjoy or complete anything, because the running conversations and arguments in my head were just too loud, I asked myself, “what do you want?”

The truth is, I am completely jealous of the Sheryl Sandbergs and Marissa Mayers of this world. No one questions them about just spending a day playing with their kids. Okay, maybe we all questioned Marissa Mayers’ statement about “taking limited time away” and “working throughout” her twin pregnancy, for a minute. But we applaud them as hard-working women, who also happen to be mothers.

Why have I been creating this massive grey area when it came to me working?

What I really want is to create clear lines. I will be a mom certain hours of the day, and be 100% focused on work, for the other parts. I will stop muddying the waters.

Don’t get me wrong, I will still be the parent who adjusts their schedule when a child is home sick, or has a pressing appointment. That is, at least until I become Mike’s sugar mama.

This will take time to figure out what I let go of, because I know I can’t have it all, and how to adjust my schedule and create stronger boundaries. But at least I have a goal and know what I want.

So to all of the moms out there, who love their kids, but know they want that career, especially as an entrepreneur… it’s okay to stop people pleasing and put your foot down. It’s okay to completely switch hats instead of wearing two at once all of the time.

Let’s drop the guilt and carve out our own path.

Easter Weekend, A Panic Attack And Simplifying Life At Home

I stood in my bathroom, trying to quickly get ready for our second Easter dinner. We had a busy day at Mike parents’ house the previous day, and now it was time to go and have dinner with my family. I had successfully braided one side of my hair and was trying to braid the other side. But despite the fact that I had done this specific hairstyle a thousand times before, my hands just couldn’t seem to co-ordinate with what my brain was telling them.

I could see Mike watching me, as he got ready from his side of the bathroom. He was intently listening to the increasing number of deep breaths I was taking, as I kept starting this simple braid over and over again.

My chest was tightening, and I felt frustrated with myself. Why wasn’t I getting this simple task?

The previous week was spent taking care of sick children. All four, (plus Mike), had been hit hard with a viral bug. But Mia and Beau took the brunt of it. Between an ice storm, the Easter long weekend and sick kids, I had a week full of children home.

Although running my own business from home has a lot of perks, one thing remains the same… you can’t just not work. Yes, I scaled back, but I was spending the evening hours frantically catching up. Even worse, I wasn’t getting it all out.

Blogging for me is how I release the stress from parenting and work through problems swirling around in my mind. I crave the quietness each day, that my office brings. Then, once the school bell rings, I can be engaged and energetic with my kids.

But the week of colds, fevers, vomit, sleepless nights and toddlers wanting to be carried around constantly had taken it’s toll.

As I stood there staring back at myself in the mirror, my mind felt fragmented.

Worry washed over me, as it sometimes does. Was my mind failing me? Why couldn’t I get this braid?

My chest became heavier, my breathing laboured. Mike knowingly and understandingly walked over and put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m having a panic attack.” I replied.

Unlike so many stories I have heard, when I have a panic attack, I don’t feel like I am having a heart attack, or dying. I feel this extreme loss of control. I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. I feel like I can barely breathe and can’t keep my head above water. I knew what I had to do.

I start talking to Mike, telling him what I am feeling, and as I listened to the words coming out of my mouth, reality started coming back. Worries started to gain perspective again and I felt a sense of clarity.

My breathing returned to normal, although my chest is still tight, today, (the next day). I let go of the braids and pulled my hair up into a simple ponytail, and finished getting ready.

We enjoyed our day, while in my mind, I was making a plan of attack.

I would get through the last day our older kids were home, as best I could. I would make sure laundry was away and the house was tidy enough.

I would organize my schedule into two columns: important appointments I will be keeping for the next few weeks and non-work commitments that I can let go of. I would get back to the big home purge Mike and I started months ago and simplify our world.

I would dive into my work this week, knocking my to-do list out of the park and letting the words flow.

Until I get back into my rhythm this week, I am giving myself a break. I am making easy meals… yes my kids have had toast for breakfast and lunch today. At least they have full tummies.

The crafts to keep my kids busy for their last day off have consisted of me stapling computer paper together and instructing them to each create a book. Each of them masterfully came up with incredible ideas, including Beau’s “which colour is missing from the rainbow?” book.

As the week begins, our routine resumes, and the business of Easter fades away, so will the tightness in my chest. I will stick to my plan of simplification and carefully choose what will feed my soul.

I won’t let myself be swallowed by anxiety and panic. I will allow myself to feel it and keep talking, knowing that my mind isn’t broken, it’s just tired.

I think so many of us parents can feel this way, especially after a particularly rough week of parenting. It is so important to take those deep breaths, let go of what you can and give yourself a break.

My Kids Broke Me. How I Am Finding The Joy In Motherhood… Again

I walked around my home trying to pull together outfits for all four of my kids, so that my husband, Mike could take them out, to give me a much needed break. The screams from bored toddlers and cries from my 5-year-old, who was already in a funk, but her big brother decided to go poke the bear, echoed through our house.

I was done. I could feel my chest tighten and hot tears started streaming down my cheeks.

As I tried to compose myself while quickly wiping away my tears, I couldn’t hide my sniffles as I walked down the stairs. Mike overhead this telltale sound and said, “what’s wrong?” “Everything.” I replied as the sobs started to exit my body. “I feel like I am failing. If I am being really honest, I am not enjoying motherhood lately.” Instinctively, he thought he was supposed to ramp up the discipline. He stormed around the house trying to create order, but really, he was only adding an extra level of tension.

Our kids started to mirror our tension and fights broke out in front of us.

I turned to Mike and said, “the balance is off right now. I know it’s me. I know that my lack of joy and level of impatience is creating a toxic environment that everyone is feeding off of. We need to problem solve this in a real way.” I could see understanding wash across his face.

Before he walked out the door, he looked back at me, as a fresh tears started to appear on my face. “I am failing as a mom,” I sobbed. “No you aren’t. In fact it’s the opposite. You care so much. We will fix this, like we always do.”

While Mike and the kids were out, it dawned on me. I was waiting for spontaneous moments of joy with my kids to come to me. Why was I not initiating activities and outings that I would also find enjoyable and fun?

Once they arrived home, I packed up our 5-year-old, Beau, and the two of us went out to get her hair cut, have a little one-on-one time, and chat about each of us listening to each other better.

Then later that day, we all sat down, as a family and enjoyed colouring together. I love being creative, so this was bliss for me.

By the time we packed up the art supplies, not only were the kids’ emotional buckets filled, but so was mine. Something that in the past, I wasn’t doing enough of.

Of course, the craziness resumed, and fights still break out, but just having those moments of joy with my kids, makes all of motherhood a lot more enjoyable.

Watch our day as it unfolded, starting with my mini meltdown…

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Beau’s 5th Birthday, Managing Expectations And Our Kids’ Craft Studio Surprise

Yesterday, my spunky, vibrant, nurturing, loud, and beautiful little girl turned 5-years-old. This past year has been a challenging one for Beau. I have watched her bright light, dim, while she wrestled with anxiety, and lost herself for a little while. With a lot of love, support and encouragement, her spark has been relit, and a confident little lady is re-emerging.

We have always given Beau’s older brother, Holden, fairly big gifts for his birthdays. He thinks big, and knows exactly what he wants. But when we asked Beau what she wanted for her birthday, it was simple: bubbles, craft supplies and anything green, (her favourite colour).

During the last year, our active Beau has found a new passion, creating. She has the most incredible imagination, and her teachers were raving to me recently during my in-class visit, that she is so talented. She will build and craft the most imaginative things.

I must admit, I hadn’t really noticed. I am so busy with all of our kids, that sometimes, I can miss these budding interests. Holden has always been into drawing (like I was as a kid), but I don’t think I really realized, not just how much Beau loves doing crafts, but how much it feeds her soul.

So, after a lot of thought, Mike and I used part of our date night last Thursday to shop for Beau. But our biggest surprise up our sleeves was to create a craft studio for her. We have an unfinished basement where Beau had a craft table. But it was always a mess and there was zero organization. I wanted to create a space that was hers and where she could let her imagination fly.

So we used an old Ikea bookshelf and desk that we had, and went to our local dollar store and bought tons of green bins, and went nuts with the craft supplies.

The morning of Beau’s birthday though, was a bit of a gong show. Beau woke up bossing everyone around, melting down constantly and being downright mean. We hadn’t even given her her big surprise yet, and she still had her birthday party in the afternoon.

I gave Beau a talk, letting her know that when she woke up that morning, no one put a crown on her head and said she could treat everyone around her like garbage. This wake-up call seemed to work. After adjusting Beau’s mood and expectations, as well as opening a few presents, we finally revealed her craft studio to her.

It was a massive hit! We have not seen Beau or Holden since the reveal.

That afternoon, and after Beau spent a lot of therapeutic time crafting, we were ready to head out to Beau’s party. I had hired a babysitter to stay with our twins, (who were too young to take and keep track of all of the other kids).

Although I occasionally go all-out with our kids’ birthday parties, I decided to book Beau’s party at an indoor trampoline park. We had gone there for Holden’s birthday in June and it was great. The pizza, cupcakes and even loot bags were all provided, which saved me a lot of time and stress.

I was a little worried that Beau would start melting down, shy away from her guests, and cling to me like she did at her cousins birthday party the week before.

But I was relived when I saw Beau’s cousins and friends take initiative, holding her hand and wanting to play with Beau.

In the end she had a blast, and I am pretty sure she wasn’t the only one…

It is so wonderful seeing Beau enjoy life and develop new interests after the year we had with her. Watching your once vibrant child loose their way can be heartbreaking as a parent to watch.

Although I am beyond exhausted today, I am thrilled that Beau was able to enjoy a really special day with the focus completely on her. Happy Birthday Beau!

To read more about Beau’s struggles and triumphs this past year, read: I regret having our daughter visit me in the hospital after giving birth.