parenting

Derailed By Life And What I Am Doing About It

This post is part 2 of a two part series. You can read part one here: Expectations Of the “Default Parent” And The Unrealistic Pressure On Moms Of Kids And Teens

Let’s talk about what being “derailed” looks like for me and what I am going to do about it…

My biggest obstacle lately is life. That sounds sooo dramatic, but it’s true.

I will be going along, eating well, exercising, having a put together house, filling all the emotional cups, excelling in my career and then life comes a knocking… a kid sick, or especially since the pandemic… an anxious kid, an unavoidable social commitment, or a repair needing to be done.

I rarely crumble under the pressure of life and I have become better at saying no and grasping that as a solo mom my available time is pretty much cut in half. I will be trying soooo hard to do everything well that although I mentally am handling it, my body says, “nice try lady… here’s a migraine” or “here’s a SIBO flare up.”

Then all of sudden I am physically taken out of the game so to speak.

I need to clear my schedule, or put off chores, or eat whatever my body can handle, or skip the next few days of exercise and move into survival mode.

Wasn’t I done survival mode once my kids got a little older? Apparently not.

Recently I took a step back to look at the big picture and accepted that this is life, or at least my life and I cannot just eliminate stress or how my body processes it. But I need to learn how to manage it more than I have been, so I have started doing some things to create a net to catch me, a fail-safe.

Now before I get into all of these solutions, I want to be real for a minute. I started this post weeks ago and am now finishing it in the midst of a big derailment thanks to unavoidable social commitments (way too many in a row for this introvert) and a season of my kids fighting more than usual. I am currently on day four (which typing it out feels so small, but living it feels like a lifetime) of survival mode and today I am slowly climbing my way out of it and putting these solutions in place.

Food

I am going to say this and really hear me out… meal plan and batch cook on weekends if possible. This for me is massive. Due to picky eaters and my sensitive gut, I cannot always be eating the same dinners as my kids, so typically on Sunday I will batch cook 3-4 meals for myself a week. I make sure they are really healthy and satisfying.

Lately that has been fish, steamed spinach, quinoa, another steamed or roasted green vegetable and roasted sweet potato. You have no idea how much I thank “Sunday-me” when I am totally spent and not only have a meal ready for me and not extra dishes, but it’s healthy and keeps me on track with my clean eating which in turn prevents SIBO flare ups.

Exercise

I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. I have been my whole life. So I am constantly fighting against that urge. That’s exercise for me. I will go hard and daily and then get derailed and take big breaks. This wasn’t working. So lately I have been making specific goals each week and focusing on a minimum of 3 good workouts with some kind of movement most other days.

When I reach my luteal phase I switch it up to walks and yoga. And on days when I physically cannot workout because I am beyond spent or am dealing with a migraine or SIBO Flare up, I am kind to myself and take a break. But then I get back to it as soon as I am well again.

Living with Migraines

The older I get, the more consistent my migraines are. I am finally learning to live with them. I know my triggers… stress, heat, wine (during certain times of the month), over-doing upper body exercise without stretching before and after and laying down to rest too much. I my friends, am a delicate flower.

But really understanding my many triggers has helped me a lot to prevent full-blown migraines. I stay in-tune with my body as much as possible and that is half the battle. But here’s what I do to minimize, or heal them:

  • Take 2 Advil Migraine pills before I get one but when I know I am vulnerable
  • Eat nuts, especially almonds
  • Put an ice pack on my neck and a heating pad on my hips
  • Move. It is so tempting to lay down but that is the worst thing I can do for it
  • Drink lots of water
  • Avoid alcohol
  • Drink coffee
  • Eat complex carbs and avoid refined sugar
  • Put Voltaren Extra Strength on my neck and shoulders and repeat as needed
  • Stretch

Lastly is keeping a clean house. Here is my advice to you about this one. Your house will ebb and flow. Do what you can when you can. Also, purge your stuff and give everything a home. I am constantly purging and rarely buy anything new.

Life will happen. Focus on what’s in your control and in the meantime, be KIND to you yourself.

Don’t forget to follow Nesting Story on Instagram, Pinterest and YouTube.

Can You Breathe? Making The Final Decision to End My Marriage.

I found this photo as I scrolled through the photos taken around the time that this happened.

When can I breathe? If I stayed in my marriage, or if I ended my marriage?

That was the final question I asked myself before ending it.

I have been asked a lot by people I know in person and people who have reached out online, how did I finally decide? They were on the fence and didn’t know what to do.

Asking myself that question was how.

Ending a marriage, especially with kids is a monumental decision that will have an atomic sized impact on many people in your life. Years later we are sometimes feeling the effects of the blast as if it just happened. So, I want to be clear, I do not talk about this decision lightly.

Looking back it was a slow burn over years. Years of stress, and emotional disconnection and distrust. It took two, and to be honest, we were pummelled by stressful life events to the point where it was getting harder and harder to get up again.

But at the end it was like I was hit by a freight train.

I tried. We tried.

Intense therapy, and attempts at reconnection. We could have gone on like that walking on the tight rope of should we or shouldn’t we for many many years. I think a lot of couples do.

But after realizing that staying wasn’t actually best for my kids because they needed out of the pressure cooker too and to have two happy parents, it was this that question I asked myself that made me step off the tight rope.

The idea of staying felt like I couldn’t breathe. Although terrifying, ending a relationship that was destroying both of us meant I could fill my lungs with air again.

Little did I know that almost immediately after deciding I would also be able to see life in colours I never saw before.

The decision was made. The page had been turned and the pressure that was on my chest for years was gone.

Note: My intention of sharing bits and pieces about this sensitive topic is to help share some of my own tough experiences in the hope that I could help someone else going through something similar. I am very sensitive to make sure I keep my kids and other parties in mind as I share because our family’s goal is to move towards healing and happiness. Although I would so badly like to give individual advice as I receive messages from others going through something similar, I found that when I was doing that I was not able to heal properly. xo

I Am Burnt Out… With Parenting

I am burnt out.

I’ve hit a wall.

The day in and day out of sameness with parenting without in-person school, kids’ activities or camp is becoming almost impossible.

There. I said it.

I love my kids. Why do us moms feel like we need to say that as a disclaimer when we need to be real for a minute that it is not always laughter and happiness? It goes without saying.

Of course I love my kids.

In fact, as dark as it sounds and probably a bit messed up, anytime my kids question my love, usually when I asked them to go get their own snack or have said no to an unreasonable request, I say “come on, I love you hit by a bus level.” They know that means without a second thought I’d push them out of the way from a bus and take the hit for them. That’s a mother’s love. Effed up or not.

With the disclaimer out of the way now… I am burnt out in the parenting department. Like, I don’t feel like talking to my children right now.

I live in Ontario Canada and we are heading into our last week of virtual school next week… and then home free. You bet your ass I have signed my kids up for camp (which is allowed now). In fact, I just added another week for the first week of summer. So in my mind means I only have a week and a half left in pandemic isolation hell.

Sorry if I am being super blunt here, but it has to be said and I bet I am not the only one feeling like this. I am not burnt out with working out, or unpacking our new house, or working, or gardening, or talking to adults.

It’s the making meals and snacks, cleaning up the kitchen, breaking up fights, finding something to do, arguing about getting schoolwork done, asking for messes to be cleaned up. It’s the daily arguements about getting dressed, brushing teeth, brushing hair and showering even though there’s nowhere to go.

There’s nowhere to go.

But above all… its the constant talking.

Which sounds bad saying it out loud. But as an introvert I need quiet time to recharge. Which I don’t get.

Cue perfect timing; I kid you not, as I wrote the last sentence one of my kids was talking to me and I was staring right as them as I was typing with one airpod in (because music takes the edge off) and then she said, “mom, did you hear what I said?” Honestly, I didn’t retain a thing. My brain is at full capacity.

The other night three out of four of my kids confronted me pretty much telling me that I have been emotionally unavailable to them. It was like a punch in the gut.

It brought me to tears.

The next day I shared this with another solo parent and I got the pep talk I needed. It’s a pandemic, I am doing more now for them than humanly possible, and they need to recognize that and I need to know that in a couple weeks when the pressure valve is finally released that they will get a whole version of me again.

For now, scraps of me is going to have to be enough.

So, parents… if you are burnt out in the parenting department too, and you are robotically replying with blanks stares and “that’s nice” you are absolutely not alone.

Scraps are more than enough after the storm we have sailed our families through this past year. We made it to the other side and never sank.

That’s a win.

Take the win.

Hang In There Mamas… Christmas Is Almost Here

We are so close to Christmas mamas! 

Just a little reminder… if your kids are all hyped up and having extra meltdowns and are fighting with each other more than usual, that’s totally normal leading up to Christmas (and Halloween and birthdays).

It took me a few years of parenting to see this pattern, but once I did and realized most kids get like this leading up to an exciting holiday or event I totally relaxed.. and popped in my AirPods and poured myself a glass of wine. 

We’ve got this, hang in there! 

Are you doing anything for you?

Over the holidays you are going to be giving a lot of yourself! You don’t have to burn out. Remember to carve out time for you, and in turn everyone around you will get a better version of you!

Have you been following along on my CrossFit journey on Instagram? I have been sharing my new life-changing fitness journey and how much it has impacted all aspects of my life.

I encourage you to make time to do something for yourself in 2020, because you will never just find time.

You deserve it!

You can follow my journey on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Pinterest!

Setting Expectations for Your Kids

Setting reasonable expectations for my kids and navigating this new parent “epiphany” is something that I will have to practice every day. But it is so worth it.

Do we have reasonable expectations for our kids?

As a parent to young children, doing things together like sitting in a restaurant can be nerve-wracking and unpredictable. If you are anything like me, you stick to the old faithfuls, the loud and slightly overcrowded ones (so that your kids add to the noise, rather than having them ‘be’ the noise).

People-watching is commonplace for me there. I look around at the families, unconsciously examining their table manners, complimenting their kids and feeling guilt-filled relief when someone is having a harder time than me. Let’s be clear about one thing here – the judgments I’m making in these moments, are of myself and the expectations I’ve set for my kids.

Do we have reasonable expectations?

We’ve all seen the families with the “perfect” kids, where no one ends up under the table, they’re eating with their fork and saving half of their chocolate milk for after they eat.

If that is you and your kids, kudos. But that’s not me and mine. And for the longest time, it left me with thoughts like, “why can’t you do that?”

“Why won’t you listen the first time?”

“When I was your age, I had 10 times the responsibility that you do.”

“Can you stop that?”

These sound worse when you lump them together. I don’t say them one after another like this, and most often they remain thoughts in my head. But I am guilty of pulling one out in a moment of frustration.

Reasonable wouldn’t be the way I would describe these. These remarks break onto the surface when I am in an entirely UNreasonable state of mind.

In setting expectations, keep this in mind. You know your child. But, do you know where they are at and what they can do?

So, what’s reasonable? After welcoming twins, our family count went from the “perfect” family of four to a slightly-oversized family of six and I realized something (so simple) that changed my approach to parenting –

Our children are truly one-of-a-kind.

Maybe that’s something you’ve heard before. But now, for me, this ideal has been highlighted over and over again. I hadn’t anticipated that I would need to parent each of my children a little differently.

In setting expectations, keep this in mind. You know your child. But, do you know where they are at and what they can do? Figure out how to meet them where they are, and create an achievable “next step” for them to strive towards.

Setting reasonable expectations for my kids and navigating this new parent "epiphany" is something that I will have to practice every day. But it is so worth it.

Our kids ultimately want to make us proud and the pressure they feel to succeed is real. Know any adults that reflect on their childhood with, “nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents”? If our expectations are met with feelings of frustration or anxiety- on our part or theirs, consider adjusting the expectation next time, even if only slightly.

We can’t change overnight.

Be patient with yourself. Recently, I kept noticing my son and I continually butting-heads. It wasn’t until we were visiting some friends, that they noticed, “wow, where did the sarcastic humour come from?” I had no idea. All this time, he had been trying to make me laugh and I had been missing it, correcting his behaviour – no wonder we weren’t getting along.

Setting reasonable expectations for my kids and navigating this new parent “epiphany” is something that I will have to practice every day. But it is so worth it. Becoming more than “maintaining our image” in a restaurant, we are teaching our kids how to set realistic goals for themselves, start to understand their capacity and ultimately learn to help themselves find success, however that may look to them.

No pressure.

Lindsay Fricker is a mom of four – two plus twins. Kindergarten teacher by day, Lindsay enjoys helping others find ways to navigate the ugly parts of parenting, while keeping their sanity and positively supporting their children. You can read more from Lindsay here or follow her on Instagram @serendipity.six.