Captains log… I joke, but not really.
This is a dream right? I ask myself this many, many times a day.
Last night I had a nightmare, then I woke up and remembered the global pandemic and thought, that has to be another nightmare. But reality eventually floated to the surface… no, this is real.
My mind is on a coping loop. Something triggers the heaviness, the gravity of what is going on in the world, in my town, or maybe it’s something small that has triggered me, maybe I’ve caught a glance of one of my big kids trying to cope themselves, and I spiral.
Just before I allow myself to fall, fall off the cliff into the dark hole below, I catch myself.
I begin listing off what I am grateful for: my house, my backyard, my four kids, the freedom to go for walks, still having a job, my health.
Then I list off what is in my control: what activities I will do with my kids, what I am going to wear that day, who I can talk to through video chat, what media I will consume, something nice I can do for myself.
I pop a piece of gum in my mouth. I chew through the wave of anxiety. It fades into the background.
I’m back on solid ground again. The spiral has stopped. I move through my day.
Connect. Hugs. I love you’s. Smiles.
We get dressed. We brush our teeth. We go nowhere.
But it feels good to feel ready. Ready for the day.
I exercise. Exercise is everything. I’ve never exercised so much in my life.
I garden. Gardening is coming up for air. I keep thinking about the many, many people who can’t even step foot outside.
I run through my gratitude list again.
My mind floats to everyone I can help. I ask my parents and quarantined neighbours to send me their latest grocery list. I reach out through Instagram… anyone need to chat? I reach out to people who are alone.
I ask myself, what can I do tomorrow? Donate blood? Volunteer for my local food bank?
I want to do something.
I can’t get into podcasts or audio books. I can’t even get into Netflix series… not even Tiger King. It leaves my mind too idle. I can’t follow.
Music and books. That’s my escape. Real books. The kind I have to put my glasses on for, sit down and read.
I jump back and forth between music and my book a lot of the day.
Laughter. Funny enough I am laughing a lot. The memes are a much needed bright spot in my days. I’ve always laughed in moments of grief. It’s hard-wired into me. Inappropriate laughter a bizarre little trait, but I embrace it. I love that I laugh in the darkest moments.
I remember some of what I have been told or heard…
It’s okay to feel anxiety. It’s okay to feel depression. Everyone is.
Don’t try to grow your business or your savings. Your health is your wealth right now.
This isn’t forever.
I don’t know who I wrote this for. Was it for me or for you? A little of both. But it felt good.
Find me on Instagram. Instastories are my lifeline. I’ll see you there.