I Didn’t Know I Was Supposed To Be Striving To Be Flawless

collage 1I have found myself really, really happy since this viral phenomenon has occurred.  I was happy before but I have felt this additional sense of purpose these past few weeks.  Don’t worry, ever since I blogged about my experience with handling negative comments, I was able to get it out of me and haven’t looked back.  I have also found I am devoting more of myself to my children.  Yes, I would enjoy them before but I am finding myself slowing down more and immersing myself in these very intense moments of connection.  I am not sure if it is because I am having more of a balance between career and motherhood that I know I need, or if it is their innocence and the fact that they have no idea what is going on out there.  But my heart is full.

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I have been enjoying reading every comment, email and message beyond words.  I have come across a couple comments that have been very kind and encouraging but ending with the implication that it is expected that I will have plastic surgery on my tummy once I have hit my weight goal.  Not to mention the similar comments I received from random strangers while pregnant with my twins.  Instead of feeling insulted, I have been left baffled, thinking “oh am I supposed to get a tummy tuck?  I don’t plan to.”  I am really happy with my fitness progress.  It is happening at a pace that suits me, makes me feel healthier and happier and I am not pushing myself too hard.  I am about 15lbs away from my initial weight goal and I am realizing that it may be too much if I lose another 15lbs.  I don’t want to lose all of my very womanly curves.  So I won’t be focusing on the scale, only on how I feel.body 1I still have a bit of that hanging tummy, and it may shrink more in time but for now all I see is my body healing from the war it went through during my twin pregnancy.  It is getting stronger and I am finding carrying my girls much easier!body 2Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti plastic surgery, I am just pro loving your body for what it has done and continues to do.  If having plastic surgery is what makes someone else love their body and feel better in their skin, then go for it.  Just make sure it is for you.  Not anyone else.  Besides, if I were ever to have plastic surgery, my tummy would be last on my list.

In 2001 I had to have a complete thyroidectomy which has left me with a very visible scar across my neck.  It wasn’t supposed to be as visible, but I had a terrible reaction to Codeine and swelled up like a tomato which disrupted my incision site.  body 3

I had been sick for a long time and finally having a diagnoses of hyperthyroidism and the subsequent removal of a hyper-plastic tumour and my thyroid was such a relief to my suffering. I have never rushed to have plastic surgery on my scar.  I partially see it as a positive symbol of being healthier.  I have been approached by a couple doctors about revising it, but I really couldn’t bother.  The surgery and all that comes with that seems like such a chore to me.  I almost always forget it is there, other than when someone points it out.

But the biggest reason I haven’t got rid of it, is I see my scar as a visible “line in the sand” in regards to how far I will go with my body trying to be flawless.  It’s a slippery slope and the line has to be drawn somewhere.  I am flawed.  My flaws tell my story.  Who I am.  Where I have been.  The hardships I have overcome.  The people I have given life to.

So, I will never say never, but right now I feel in awe at my body’s ability to be pushed to such painful limits and come back from the war with more fight in it than ever.IMG_4632