Well, tomorrow is the big day… Mike is getting a vasectomy. That’s right, we are closing up shop. I feel incredibly happy and at peace about closing this chapter. I always wondered if I would truly know when I was done having children, my mom said I would know, and she was right.
I wanted to stop after two kids. Yup, after my entire life dreaming about a family with four children, (I was one of four), I was so burnt out and not “into” motherhood. After having my first two, I was done. I craved life after babies.
That almost broke Mike’s heart. He’s a baby guy. In fact, I call him Mr. Amber alert, because if there is a baby anywhere in our vicinity, there’s a very good chance he will find a way to hold that baby for as long as he is allowed.
Me on the other hand, I loved being pregnant with our first two (non twin pregnancies) and being a mom, to a point. But motherhood was not at all what I pictured and it took me a long time to carve out my own path and figure out my career/mom/wife/being home balance.
After a lot of discussion, Mike and I agreed to take a break for a while after Beau was born, before trying for a third. Then secondary infertility hit. Looking back, that was a gift to me, before becoming spontaneously pregnant with twins. It created just enough longing that I was able to embrace motherhood with four kids, including twins.
For a while there, Mike would have probably gone for a fifth, in hopes for a second boy. But he knew the pregnancy chapter was closed for me and he quickly hopped on board.
Now it is time to start living the next chapter. Diapers, bottles and baby-proofing will soon be a faint memory. I will never again have that flutter of movement in my tummy, the anticipation of finding out our baby’s gender or the excitement of delivering one or two babies. I am honestly okay with this. It’s time to make new memories and start finding out what these little humans are going to become. I am excited to find out who they are and what their passions and goals are.
And that’s pretty damn exciting.
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My mother had four kids and 
Soon after my mother and father were married, she became pregnant with my oldest brother. She felt her prettiest when pregnant. She was glowing, full of pride and it was the happiest time in her life.
Back then, (between 1976 – 1984), women weren’t expected to “bounce back” like we are today. As a public health nurse, she knew it would take a good year to recover from having a baby. Women were taught how to properly care for themselves and their postpartum body. She was even given specific exercises by the nurses in the hospital, to help the healing process, without adding too much pressure.
My mother holding me (pregnant with my younger sister)
I remember my mother reading my sister and I books each evening. I loved to cuddle up to her soft body. When she would dress up to go out with my father, I always thought she was the most beautiful mommy.
My mother made sure she never lost herself in the shuffle. After leaving nursing to be home with her children, she pursued her passion in opera singing. I remember her going out a few evenings a week to sing and perform on stage. She would get her moment to shine and then be ready to go back and give to her family again the next day. 
My mother rocking a bikini AFTER having four kids. 
Myself, my mother and sister today
At first, after a C-section, you will look like this. Sporting hospital gowns and baggy draw-string pajama pants. Eventually you will want to put real clothes on.
Although I received a lot of excited congratulatory hugs, it was very different than when we announced my previous pregnancies. There was an element of shock. People had to take a couple of days to let it sink in. I also heard a lot of “I’m glad it’s you and not me” or “I’m so sorry”. Those comments left me baffled.
Although many of my friends were pregnant (with singletons), I felt an extreme loneliness. I would look around at my beaming girlfriends with their average sized bumps still able to live a fairly normal life. I felt like I was frozen in time. Everyone was living around me. I was a prisoner in my own body only to venture out to multiple doctors appointments each week.