Well, something in my brain either snapped, or clicked yesterday, (I haven’t decided which), and I picked up the phone and booked a consultation with a cosmetic surgeon. This is something that I have been thinking about for a long time and wanted to share with all of you….
It took me years to realize it. But I am a person outside of being a mother.
As young as I can remember, I had baby fever. I would mimic my mother of four, while she cared for my baby sister, I would even pretend to breastfeed my dolls. I thought becoming a mom would fill a hole in my heart. That I would be completely satisfied by caring for my own children.
I still went to college and got the fancy big city career, but in the back of my mind, I knew that this was just temporary… until I became a mother.
Kid-free and carefree
When I was finally pregnant with our first, I would daydream the entire train ride in and out of the city each day. I wouldn’t need anything else. I would stay home and bake, read stories, go on mommy playdates, do bath time and have a beautiful home cooked meal on the table for my husband when he came in the door from work each day.
My husband supported my dream too. So much so, that we put all of our savings into two investment properties, and he worked two jobs, his day job and taking care of our investments, so that I could stay home with our kids.
We welcomed our son into the world and it was time to live my dream.
Only, my dream was not at all what I pictured. My son was not the happiest baby. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great sleeper, and when it was just the two of us, he was fairly content. But add another person to the mix, or dare go out, and he was miserable.
These sensory issues, along with a language delay, eventually became a problem we had to address. I became a warrior mom. I had left myself behind in that train, and I gave my entire being to my son.
But, I didn’t like reading books, especially when he would want to switch halfway through. I dreaded bath time, it was a chore. I slowly stopped going to mommy playdates, partly because my son didn’t enjoy the chaos, and partly because I was bored of talking about my kid to other mothers.
When we found out we had an oops, and another baby was on the way, I didn’t know how to feel. I was in shock. I knew I wanted more kids, but I felt like I hadn’t really nailed the mom thing yet. I was still in the trenches and didn’t know how to get out.
My second pregnancy flew by, partly because I was full of anxiety
Three years after becoming a mother I was a shell of a person. I had no identity, other than being the person who cared for two children. I was definitely not the same person I was before having kids.
My husband would come home from work after the sun had gone down, and I would be pacing our upstairs hall. I wanted to scream “get me out of here!”
This was a pivotal point in my journey to becoming a person again. I began to search for a new path. Not my old path, not my mother’s path, or my current path, but a new one. A path that would only fit me.
It took me three more years, one more career, two failed businesses and having twins to get to my custom motherhood path, where I am today. My sweet spot.
I am a part-time stay-at-home mom, full-time entrepreneur. It’s my perfect fit.
Attending a conference
I now know that each mother’s balance and path is different from each other. Some mothers do love every minute of being home with their children. Really, I know some! Others need a stimulating career that may keep them out of their home. We are all good mothers, just different.
But all of us need to establish who we are as a person outside of our kids. Giving ourselves completely to our children will not fill that hole in your heart. There has to be a balance. Every mom has their own unique path, and it is okay to change your direction if your journey isn’t fitting you.
You won’t be the same person you were before kids. Trust me, the new person you are is stronger, more caring, empathetic and driven… because you are also a mother.
Okay, maybe I am not “trapped” in my mommy world of sweat pants, messy hair, no-makeup, and cleaning up after everyone. But some days I definitely feel isolated, and like I am losing myself while caring for four children.
For the second time, I have had the opportunity to get away for a few days to a blogging conference. While away, I marvel at the moments where I can slow down and enjoy both the quiet and the stimulating conversations. It’s an exhilarating feeling getting to make all of the decisions throughout the day, based solely on my own needs and wants.Since becoming a mother six years ago, I have often struggled to make sure I find the balance between giving enough of me to my children, while not disappearing in the process.
Now, while trying to balance so many people, while simultaneously breathing life into my passion, which also happens to be my business, I again, occasionally find myself slipping away.
Being able to step out of my life for a few days, every few months, gives me a chance to regain my independence and do an assessment on who I am outside of being a mother and a wife. I get to challenge myself, while brainstorming exciting ideas with other adults. I breathe in the beautiful sights and sounds around me.Just for that brief moment, I am me, without the caretaker part. I am reset.
Then the clock strikes midnight, and I head back into my delightful world of chaos, squeals, cuddles, cries, giggles, kisses and so much love.