joy

Today I felt joy and wondered when life got so serious

Today I skied. This was a big freaking deal for me because although I was an avid skier since age five, I gave up skiing when I was pregnant with my oldest child and never picked it up again. This was a ten year break from something that I loved.

As I whooshed down the hill solo, assessing my body to make sure I wasn’t about to break a hip, (I was ten years older and had birthed four children since my last ski experience), it hit me…

All of the stress that I had been feeling, especially from the previous week was gone. In fact I felt good. I felt alive. I felt ache and pain free.

As the cold air hit my cheeks I felt as though my troubles were an eternity away.

skiing

You see, although I share most of my life on here, or on my videos, there are some areas of my life that are sacred. Especially the lives of my children. Although I may share this particularly stressful situation with you one day, at the moment it isn’t my story to tell. But for context, I must say, I have been under extreme stress during the past week.

For the first time in one week, or 168 hours, my stress was one hundred percent gone. I felt free, like someone had cut this cord I was tethered to.

“Why,” I thought to myself as I carved through the snow, “can I not let go of this stress away from a ski hill. Why can’t I take a break from worry in real life?”

As I went up the chairlift, looking down at a winding creek below, it hit me, I had been carrying around intense stress and worry, thinking that if I took a break for even a minute the world would come crashing down, shattering around me.

That somehow because I was deep in the trenches of anxiety and dread I was fixing my problem. If I put down the worry for one minute, everything would fall apart.

But here I was, zipping down a ski hill, like I was 25 again, not a worry in sight, and the world was still in tact. It was still turning.

I haven’t been doing anyone any good allowing myself to be so immersed  in my stress that I am in physical pain, can barely tidy up, or prepare a meal at home. I am sabotaging my healthy eating, and I am an emotional wreck.

This particular stressful period of parenthood won’t be my last. In fact far from it. I have four kids who haven’t even hit their teenage years. So I need to figure out a better system.

First step, loose the guilt about taking breaks from problem solving and worrying. Allow myself to feel joy during each storm.

Remind myself that letting go doesn’t mean I care any less.

Letting go of the worry is allowing my head to go above water for a breath of air before the next wave.

This is the year that I will find my joy

2018

As this past year was winding down I was feeling so burnt out. It wasn’t a shock to me. As I looked back at 2017 and reflected on my accomplishments, responsibilities, and the tough stuff, I was surprised that I am still standing here in one piece. No wonder I was burnt out.

For some reason 2017 brought this notion that I should hustle harder than I ever have before and pack as much into my days that I possibly could. In some ways this mentality worked, especially for growing my business. But along the way I lost my joy.

During those jam-packed days, weeks and months, there wasn’t enough time to slow down, let go and feel joy.

I wasn’t miserable, at least not all the time, but I spent most of everyday working on to-do lists, whether it was packing for trips, unpacking from trips, finishing work deadlines, or trying to keep our house a float during the craziness in a robotic kind of way.

As the fall approached, some tough stuff came our way, which forced both myself and Mike to self reflect and think about what we really want and what is really important.

On the top of my list was to find my joy again. To actually experience life instead of surviving, or controlling life. So, how exactly am I going to do this?

Play. I think one of the biggest areas that I fall short as a mother, is just stopping and playing. Mike is great at this, but I am always too busy, or too tired to just stop and play, colour, or play a board game. This needs to change, for my whole family’s sake. The dishes can wait. The laundry can be folded later. My work can wait until my kids are at school. They won’t be little for long and I am missing it.

Delegate. As a business owner, who has experienced growth in the past year, it has become glaringly obvious that I can’t do everything myself anymore. I am a mother of four and I need to draw my “work” line somewhere. I am going into 2018 with two new team members and I know that it is my job to help my team flourish.

Find my own fun. This year I am taking up skiing again. I was an avid skier from age five until I became a parent. Then I just stopped. This year, I finally asked for new skis for Christmas, and I plan to get out there. Plus I live five minutes away from a ski hill that I have not been taking advantage of. Date nights with Mike and an occasional day of hooky from working will be good for my soul.

Stop waiting for the things I want. This past year, I started to really think about the dream I have for our home, myself and our family and started to work towards it. For so long we were just surviving moves, babies and twins. For the first time in my life I feel like the dust has settled just enough that I can start chasing some dreams.

So, I have been purging all the stuff in our house, which is still a work in progress. I bought white couches. I always wanted white couches and finally decided that I would just do it, and know that each little dirty spot just meant it was loved by our family. Involve myself in home improvements and renovations. Also, our family will be welcoming a puppy in January. Yes, you heard me right, we are getting a dog. This is a dream that is nine years in the making and we are finally doing it.

I will be talking more on the blog about him soon, but in the meantime, here’s a video about our newest addition.

Create a better relationship with cooking. Remember how I said that in 2017 our family was crazy busy, or at least I was? Well, it was so busy that I stopped cooking all together. Dinners were take-out, pre made grocery store meals, and meals from boxes. My sweet family never complained and I just kept telling myself that it was fine, that I couldn’t do it all and it was the thing that was being left of my plate.

Well, at the end of August I had a health scare that woke me right up. For the past few months I have not only taken up cooking again, but I have been trying new recipes, created a “kitchen playlist” and have begun to love creating in our kitchen. I plan to continue this journey in 2018.

Make caring for my body fun and second nature. Many of my past New Years resolutions have revolved around weight loss. This year I am relaxing a bit and plan to build exercise and healthy eating into my daily routine without obsessing. This will involve carefully choosing the ingredients I cook with, walking our new dog, leaving our home to go to the gym, and skiing.

But I will stop depriving myself of a glass of wine, or a piece of chocolate. Besides, my new found joy will replace emotional eating.

What are your plans for 2018? I’d love to hear them!