The Demise Of My Friendships After Becoming A Mother

Joanna Fowler November 2, 2016 Blog, Family, Self

mom colouring with kidsMotherhood. It has added many layers to who I was pre-kids. I have become stronger, more sensitive, intuitive, brave, resilient and resourceful. Although it has added some great qualities to my resume of character, I wouldn’t say that it has all been positive.

Relationships in my life have taken a hit. I try. But reality is, I can’t keep up. My inner circle is my four kids and my husband, and even at times my husband was shoved out. I have worked hard at stealing a little more time each day for him, but then I am at capacity.

The rest of the people in my world either get it, or they don’t. I don’t blame them. I am, at times, a crappy friend.

I go dark.

being a mom and a friend

One week you can text me and I will reply within seconds, being able to keep up a back and forth conversation that will put a smile on my face, remembering how much I miss conversing with another adult.

Other weeks you can text me and I will read half of it, before a piercing cry breaks the silence from the other room and  I have to drop my phone and run. That text often ends up in the graveyard of my relationships.

I’m sorry.

I’m wiping noses, making meals and then remaking them when crusts aren’t wanted and peas are touching the gravy. I’m singing songs and laying beside kids as they fall asleep. I am listening to how days at school went and breaking up fights. I am making it rain in the bath and brushing dirt off of knees outside. I am holding and kissing softly.

mom reading to kids

It won’t always be like this, at least I don’t think it will. But I do know that when the dust settles, the diapers are long gone and all of my kids are more independent, I will look around and see those few people who stuck around.

Some of you… well you are family, so you are kind of obligated to stay, which, to be honest, I might rely on too much. I need to change that.

Others stuck around because this is their life too. They are relieved to know that they aren’t the only one that by the end of the day, they can barely remember large portions of it. They were so many people and they wore so many hats that they can’t even remember who they really are anymore.

For now, I hope that our rare dinners out without kids can do. Because although few and far between, they reset me. They remind me who I was and still am. They remind me what it feels like to laugh and that I am one of many moms who are constantly trying to find the elusive balance.


So, maybe my pool of friends has shrunk significantly since becoming a mother. But I am still here.

I care.

I crave our relationship just as much, and will continue to make plans and reschedule when my kid is sick.

I am in it right now. In the trenches. Don’t give up on me. Please keep throwing that rope down every once and a while, I will keep trying to grab it.

In a couple years when I have re-emerged, and when you are in it, I promise, I will throw that rope to you again and again, even if you occasionally go dark too.

I’m still here, please wait for me.

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14 thoughts on “The Demise Of My Friendships After Becoming A Mother”

  1. “7 years” a friend of mine once said…that is when friendships are rekindled…it’s wedded bliss then the craziness of all the kids and so far she is pretty bang on that timeline. And then new friends are gathered along the way because you become friends with your kids’ parents. Not a bad circle.

    1. Oh I love this! I hope it’s true. I have hit the 7 year mark after having my first and I can see this kind of trend happening.

  2. Yes…. the motherhood – rest of my life balance – is a lifetime struggle. I have 21 year old twins and although my schedule has changed…. and I definitely have more time for the rest of my life…. the struggle continues.

    I say enjoy the journey…. have compassion for yourself and others…. it’s going to be ok…. embrace the imperfection, laugh, cry, and scream some time too….raising a family is a real life amusement park with all of the rides….. including the roller coaster and the haunted house.

    This thing called life is a blessing!

    1. I would love to see my old friends more. I have to say I like the ones we are making on the way.
      G 20
      GG 18,18
      BG 4,4

  3. This made my day. I NEEDED this! I can’t wait to share this on my FB. I cannot write like you to express myself. I am so grateful you wrote this. You took my feelings and wrote them down so I can let my friends and family know how I feel. Thank you for taking the time in all your chaos to share your thoughts and feelings. I am sure you have helped hundreds with this article. I hope this goes viral to help all the others who feel the same to be understood. Thanks again Mama 🙂

    1. Your comment just gave me goosebumps. I am so thankful to be connected to so many other moms going through the same thing.

  4. This is so so true. I have never felt more isolated and lonely than I have done since having a child. I had small very tight knit group of friends, we used to meet regularly to talk our way through life’s big and small problems. Nothing (and I really mean nothing) was off limits. The girls were so excited about me getting pregnant but they all disappeared within months of my daughters birth. None of them have children (for various reasons) and they couldn’t get their heads around the fact that I suddenly felt unable to do certain things with them (all day trips to country houses with a 3 month old in tow? No thanks!)

  5. So well put. That’s just how I feel. And to make matters worse, I am a bit introvert so when I have time I often reolad solo.
    I just discovered your youtube and blog and just want to say thanks!

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