I was scared at night

This post was created in partnership with PediaVit.

During my pregnancy I was scared at night.

When I was pregnant with my son Holden, my first baby, I would feel the fear creep in after dinner, as the sun set.

First pregnancy

Walking up the stairs to my bedroom, I could feel the fear increase with each step. My breathing would become heavy and slow, my chest tight.

“Can I do this?” I would think to myself.

As I arranged my pillows, preparing my bed for my new round shape, my husband Mike would look at me with knowing eyes, as I moisturized my hands and plugged in my phone, while staying eerily quiet.

“Are you okay?” He’d ask.

“Yes.” I’d lie. I didn’t want to tell him that I was full of doubt and was scared of the night. I didn’t want to tell him that I was scared of change. That I didn’t know if I was strong enough, or if I had what it took to be a mother. I didn’t want to tell him that I was terrified I would stumble, crumble and fail as I faced breastfeeding and the sleepless nights.

I was scared at night.

But then something happened. When I woke, the sun peering through our curtains and Mike slowly climbing out of bed at the sound of his alarm clock, the fear was gone. What replaced the fear was excitement, anticipation and strength.

I went through my day riding that wave of confidence, dreaming of what could be and what’s to come.

That night, once again as I looked at the clock, laying on my sofa, so warm, and so blissfully distracted by the T.V. series Mike and I were watching, the fear began to creep in. I knew I had to head to bed. But I dreaded climbing those stairs.

I dreaded, pretending to be okay, while I was pushing the panic down, deep inside.
I feared the night. I feared motherhood.

As I arranged my pillows, remembering the extra pillow to squeeze between my knees, I remembered the morning and how I felt.

I closed my eyes for a second and held onto that feeling of courage and excitement. I said to myself, “you’ve got this.”

I did.

I was able to push the fear out of my mind, and said again and again to myself, “you’ve got this, just wait for the morning.”

It became my mantra.

It was my mantra the first week after Holden was born, as night approached, and the exhaustion and pain from cramps and breastfeeding would come. I would say “you’ve got this,” to myself as tears rolled down my cheeks, and Mike knew to just let me cry and let me feel the fear.

mother holding newborn

It was my mantra when Holden was two, and wasn’t speaking. I would say, “you’ve got this” to myself as I sat in the speech therapist’s office, feeling my fear and watching my son while problem solving our way through.

mother and toddler

It was my mantra when I found out I was pregnant with our second baby, a complete surprise. I told myself, “you’ve got this” as I wrapped my mind around being a mom to two.

mother and son walking on beach

It was my mantra every night as I arranged my pillows on my bed to accommodate my massive belly… carrying two babies. My twins.

twin pregnancy

My twins were born in the morning. As I held my babies in my arms, looking at their tiny faces. Knowing that I was a veteran mom and that this would be my biggest challenge yet. There would be days that I would stumble, crumble and fail. I knew that, I allowed myself to feel the fear. Then I took a deep breath and said, “you’ve got this.”

newborn twins

And I did.

Motherhood is scary. It’s around 95% problem solving. It’s a beautiful mess. But feeling the fear, stumbling, crumbling and failing is part of the journey. And there are ways to make things just a bit easier for you along the way.

family

I have partnered with PediaVit to remind moms and moms to-be, that you’ve got this. PediaVit provides products that help to maintain your baby’s good health. This includes Vitamin D3, which helps the body absorb and use calcium and phosphorous – both important ingredients to the healthy development of strong bones and teeth. With their new Vitamin D3 Drops, all you need is one drop onto the breast, bottle, or finger and your baby receives the required daily dose. For more information about PediaVit and your baby’s health, head to http://www.pediavit.ca/en/

Make sure this product is right for your baby. Always read and follow label instructions.

Disclosure: This post was sponsored by PediaVit. While compensation was provided, all opinions expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily indicative of the opinions of PediaVit.

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